Well, what can I say? Woke this morning to the dreaded BFN :(
Not entirely unanticipated given we only had 2 embryos, but most unwelcome nonetheless and while I'm currently a bit shell-shocked I'm sure I'll have a meltdown in a corner somewhere before the day is out.
So as I sit here trying to deal with feelings of inadequacy, despair, frustration, anger, denial and hopelessness, while at the same time experiencing some kind of weird detachment - sort of like an out-of-body experience - I just don't know what the next step should be. Am I too old? Will another attempt to use my eggs just end the same way?
Logically, one thinks of turning to an egg-donor which makes all kinds of sense... if only I could let go of the desire to have a child that's biologically mine. While I look at happy stories of others who have used donors, and how beautiful their children are, I know it is likely the option to have the most chance of success. In my head, I know this. But I wrestle with the feeling I'd be somehow left out of the process, a child who is biologically my husband's but not mine... which is absolutely ridiculous and so horribly selfish, I know this - but I just want to contribute, dammit. So, I'm guessing another attempt is in our future but when - time isn't on our side, I'll be 40 this July and I'm going to be embroiled in busy season at work until June 30. And if we tried to sneak over again, say in May, how do I do that when our visas were single entry and don't expire until late June? And what if we end up in the same place again, with very few eggs and no success. Oh, so many questions, so many fears.
What a roller coaster this is, and I have to say that the support and strength of those of you also on this journey is so appreciated. I can't express how comforting it is to have people in the same situation to talk to and gain insight from. Thank you all so much.
