Saturday, February 11, 2012

Keep calm, and carry on...

Well, what can I say?  Woke this morning to the dreaded BFN :(

Not entirely unanticipated given we only had 2 embryos, but most unwelcome nonetheless and while I'm currently a bit shell-shocked I'm sure I'll have a meltdown in a corner somewhere before the day is out.

So as I sit here trying to deal with feelings of inadequacy, despair, frustration, anger, denial and hopelessness, while at the same time experiencing some kind of weird detachment - sort of like an out-of-body experience - I just don't know what the next step should be.  Am I too old?  Will another attempt to use my eggs just end the same way?   

Logically, one thinks of turning to an egg-donor which makes all kinds of sense... if only I could let go of the desire to have a child that's biologically mine.  While I look at happy stories of others who have used donors, and how beautiful their children are, I know it is likely the option to have the most chance of success.  In my head, I know this.  But I wrestle with the feeling I'd be somehow left out of the process, a child who is biologically my husband's but not mine... which is absolutely ridiculous and so horribly selfish, I know this - but I just want to contribute, dammit.  So, I'm guessing another attempt is in our future but when - time isn't on our side, I'll be 40 this July and I'm going to be embroiled in busy season at work until June 30.  And if we tried to sneak over again, say in May, how do I do that when our visas were single entry and don't expire until late June?  And what if we end up in the same place again, with very few eggs and no success.  Oh, so many questions, so many fears.

What a roller coaster this is, and I have to say that the support and strength of those of you also on this journey is so appreciated.  I can't express how comforting it is to have people in the same situation to talk to and gain insight from.  Thank you all so much.


  1. Ohh,Melissa,I am sooo sorry for you.I know all too well the feeling of the BFN,it hurts like hell..Take time to yell,scream,get mad,eats lots of ice cream and than when you are ready to start over,you will know in your heart what is best for you.Hugs....

  2. I am so sorry to hear your news. Take care of yourselves-K

  3. i am so sorry to read this.but if you really desire to use your eggs, please try again with them. i have realised its not the quantilty but quality of the eggs and Dr shivani can recommend some tablets to take before the process starts again. i am also close to 40 and i believed the supplements helped me.My hubby will not allow us use donor eggs because he just wont hear of it so in my mind i was ready to use them and i knew if i did he wont partake in it but i was ready for whatever because i so want a child. i pray everything works out great for you. you are in my thoughts.

  4. Sorry to hear your results. Wishing you well for whatever road you chose to take.

  5. All BFN's should be banned!!! Aaarrgh this is a hard time. So sorry it didn't work. It is so painful after all the hard work, needles and egg retrieval it just seams so unfair!! Email Dr Shivani ask her opinion and as Temmy said you may be able to take some DHEA or other meds to help you along. I did quite a bit of acupuncture and herbal meds through a chinese clinic and I had a higher amount of eggs and better quality the last time I did it, sadly they didn't stick! Thinking of you xx

  6. Oh Melissa and Bruce, I am so sorry to hear this., It just sucks!!! Keep the faith and the plans will happen!

  7. I am really sorry for you Melisa. I have been a silent reader of your blog and was hoping for good news today when I was just about to enter your blog! I know how it feels to have a BFN. I have undergone 2 failed IVF surrogacy cycles and am still here trying to fulfill our dream of having one biological child at our next trial later this year. Lots of hugs to you - I'm not sure how to console you, since its a very difficult time, but I strongly believe that there is a special soul out there waiting for you and your husband. So, be positive and stay strong dear!

  8. Very sorry to hear your news, I am your age and self cycled late last year with the same outcome, there were 2 others with the same circumstances as us and sadly all BFN. My egg retrieval was over 15 MII and we cycled with 2 surrogates. We all had the same emotions as you are experiencing now : (
    We decided to go with a donor due to my age statistics and the continuing hormonal side effect residue from the stim meds and are now in the 2WW again. Eek.
    I wanted to let you know that you should contact your Indian visa office regarding visa validity, we found out that even though the visa validity is 6 months duration, the visa actually expires the day you use it (enter India), even though it remains valid during your stay (i.e as long as you are within within the 6months). Also as long as your visits to India are more than 60 days apart you should get another one easily. This happened with us and we had no problems getting new visas but double check as rules vary per country.
    Best of wishes for your road.

  9. So very sorry to hear the negative result, it is dam right awful. Whichever way to decide to proceed will be the right way for you. Wishing you all the best and thinking of you.

  10. I am so sorry it is horrible when you get that email I know i sat and cried!!
    I am thinking of you both and hope that you soon have your dream!!
    These roads are very bumpy but i hope that there arent to many bumps in your journey!!
    Best wishes

  11. My heart goes out to you. The most difficult part of this journey is the loss of control & emotions. Whatever you decide, it will be the best option for you. We're all here for you.